I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
