i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
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