Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
