Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
