I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
All the doctor said was why
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
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