i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
please come you make the beer taste better
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
