i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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