So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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