I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
