I haven't been this sober since birth.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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