I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
