It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
