Where is the hickey?
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
