Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
