Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Randomize
