On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
