I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
