I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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