I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
