The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
