You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
