New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
