so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Randomize
