if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
