apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
