Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
