By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
