She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
