please come you make the beer taste better
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
