Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Randomize