Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
