Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
