just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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