I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
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