Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
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