She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
