The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
