you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
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