You made me cry and you don't even care
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Girls should come with a carfax report
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Randomize
