At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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