my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
She needs sedatives and a leash
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
