maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
