why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
