I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Randomize
