I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
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