Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Randomize
