i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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