If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
