Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize