It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
And then my night got REAL pukey
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
