I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
home. puking in laundry basket.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
