There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
