$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize