It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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